Has the Spark Gone Out in Your Relationship? Therapist-Approved Exercise to Find Your Way

Understanding Romantic Love

As a therapist, I often hear people discuss their experiences with love—how they’ve fallen in love, fallen out of love, or felt disappointed in their relationships. The people we fall for and the reasons behind our choices can reveal a lot about ourselves, including what we might be missing and what we aspire to become.

The Role of Archetypes in Love

Psychologist Carl Jung proposed that we all share universal patterns called archetypes, which shape our experiences in life. One of these archetypes is romantic love. We often find ourselves drawn to people who seem to “complete” us. The qualities we admire in them may reflect parts of ourselves that we haven't fully explored or expressed yet. That initial “spark” we feel can be a signal from within, indicating that something inside us is ready to grow or come alive.

The Early Stages of Love

Initially, we may not recognize this dynamic. Instead, we become consumed by our feelings. We might say things like:

• “She’s everything I’ve ever wanted.”

• “He completes me.”

In these moments, we are often projecting our hopes, dreams, and needs onto our partner, much like a movie screen that displays our inner desires.

Projections in Love Help Us grow

Projection is one of the ways we grow. By falling in love with someone, we get a chance to discover parts of ourselves that have been hidden. But this only helps if we eventually realize what’s happening and take those projections back and own them as our own.

If we don’t do this, the relationship usually begins to suffer. We may start blaming our partner for not being as exciting or fulfilling as they once were. We might say,

• “He doesn’t meet my needs anymore.”

• “She’s not who I thought she was.”

  
  

We expect our partner to keep carrying our own hopes and dreams, to keep being the spark for us. But that’s not their job.

When the Spark in Relationship is Gone Take Back Your Projections

Falling in love is like planting a seed. But for that seed to grow into a healthy relationship, each person has to take back their projections and become more of themselves. When the honeymoon phase ends and the spark in relationship is gone, whether it’s after six months, one year, or thirty years, many people feel lost. They say, “The relationship isn’t working anymore,” without realizing that what’s really happening is an invitation to grow. Many people don’t realize that expecting someone else to carry their hidden potential is only acceptable for a short time. It's really about using someone to fill a gap in ourselves that’s keeping us from growing.

 Love is about recognizing that you and the other person are both humans, capable of growing side by side. When we want to use someone to meet our needs or to make us feel whole, we’re not loving them, we’re trying to control them. Eventually, you have to do that work yourself. That’s where growth towards a healthy relationship begins.

So if this is resonating with you and you are at this stage in your relationship. The spark seems to have gone out. I suggest reflecting on

Therapist- Approved Exercise For When the Spark in Relationship is Gone

Getting to Know Yourself in Love

If you're worried your relationship is losing its spark, try these questions and exercises.

Think About Your Romantic Life

• Think of your first crush or love. What attracted you?

• What qualities did they have that made them stand out?

• What do you expect your current or recent partner to “carry” for you?

Reflective Writing Exercise

For one day, write down anything that makes you disappointed or frustrated in your relationship. Ask yourself, Are these things I need to grow or develop in myself? This can help you become more aware and build healthier relationships.

In search of a seasoned Therapist?

Amanda Frudakis-Ruckel, LCSW, TCTSY-F is a psychotherapist and the founder of Person-to-

Person Psychotherapy and Counseling, based in Long Valley, New Jersey. If you are interested in

learning about therapy or would like to setup an appointment with Person to Person

Psychotherapy and Counseling New Jersey & New York Services, call 908-224-0007 or

email Amanda Frudakis-Ruckel, LCSW, TCTSY-F at info@person2persontherapy.com